Dear Baby,

1 Month: This is your mother talking to you- I have just found out that you've been livng inside me...thats quite amazing considering the fact that I had no prior warning to your arrival...all the same, you are quite welcome to inhabit my womb that you so nicely made yourself at home in already. I wonder how your father will take this?

2 Months: Hello my child, your father has left us. He said something about not being entirely sure about being the sperm that met my egg and made you, you'll understand it a little better when you grow up. Anyways, its just the two of us now, yup you hurd me right, I'm not going to get rid of you- I still want to prove to that fool that you are his, and how will I do that without you in flesh and blood?

3 Months: Heyah Kiddo, your getting big arn't you? The last check up I went for, the doctor said that everything is going just as planned. I've seen you a couple of times too, squirming about in my tummy, whats with the restlessness? I also noticed you dont really like chilly- thanks to you I've developed the worst sweet tooth I've ever known about...six months to go and perhaps I'll get my life back?

4 Months: Okay listen up Pal, you really have to give this kicking buisness a break! Its bad enough that you've made yourself comfortable on my bladder, I can't hold anything anymore. And you have me throwing up all day long- I wonder why they call it Morning Sickness- what did I do to deserve this?!

5 Months: I met your Daddy today. I was taking a walk around the park, one of those mid-afternoon strolls I've become so accustomed to taking, and there he was! Gosh, just looking at him got all these mixed feelings I have been harbouring for the past five months gushing out of me...I was shocked out of words, and trust me my darling, your mother is never out of words!

6 Months: Your Daddy moved in today. We have been talking things through, and we both want the best for you, so we're going to give it a try- as a family. Arn't you excited? I am, phew, I'm getting so damn tired of doing everything by myself, that fool better make up for the six months he'd been missing- thinks he can just waltz in when half the work is done- damn fool!

7 Months: I believe its just one of those months when you have no doubt had a hand in why I feel the way I do. Tootsi tell me, how its possible for me to care for you with all my heart, adore and cherish the seven months we've spent together even though we have never met? My Baby, I long for you. I long to look into your lovely eyes, cradle and comfort you peacefully in my loving arms. I would rather die than hurt you...do you have any clue?

8 Months: I can't walk around anymore, I swear Tootsi, I'm going to put you on a major diet once you're out into the world! I have gained so much weight, I know I look like an elephant- even though your Daddy says I dont, but he's always been a bit of a lier- first thing I'm going to do next month is hit the gym, no excuses! Any ideas for names? I quite like Tootsi myself, but your Daddy says kids will pick on you at school, since when did he know anything about everything?

9 Months: My heart is just over flowing with joy this morning! At around 10am this morning, after all my struggling and after Daddy passed out from shock, my brilliant beautiful bouncing baby boy came into existence! Its a shame Daddy wasnt there, although he'll never admit it, because you, my Boy, you have yourself a set of lungs that only I as your mother could ever give you! Looks like your Daddy owes me 200 dollers don't it? I told him you'd be a boy!!!

to be continued...

I'm Sorry...

I'm sorry for my big mouth.
You two would have still been together
Even though you're both twisted

I'm sorry for my curiosity.
You would have probably got away with everything
And people would never have known about your other side

I'm sorry for my drunkenness.
Conceivably, your impression of me as a dwanzie would not be prevailing
You would have taken me a bit more seriously

I'm sorry for my cowardliness.
Maybe you would have been a better person

If only you knew that I really knew the real you

I'm sorry fro my soft nature.
Perhaps in life one needs to face it rough
After all, protecting you from yourself isn't helping

I'm sorry for our friendship.
It seems to be punctuated by more troubles than laughs
We should have just stayed acquaintances

I'm sorry for my aloofness.
I should have made it my responsibility to stand up to you,
Instead of leaving it up to everyone else

And lastly,

I'm sorry for my ability to pretend.
You will never really know that I'm sorry for all this
Unless of course you figure out that this entry is for you.

You are...

Music: Like soft rock, you lure me into a vulnurable trance, playing through my mind like an unforgetable tune.

The kind of loud heavy metal that only comforts me when I'm completely confused and really dont know what I were put on this earth to do.

Punk rock, irritating when you catch me off gaurd, but full of so much meaning if I take the time to listen.

R'n'B, the kind that has soooo much Blue in it, its almost like the artist is singing about events happening in my life and so much Rythm in it that I'm completely powerless to it...cant dance, yet I find it impossible to sit it out....

Jazz too! A tune that is one of a kind, the kind that can stand the test of time and makes me want to play him over and over again, even though I dont consider myself the type to like Jazz in the first place....

Alchol and Drugs: Hard to stomach at first, but the perfect kind of solitude and comfort that I desperately look for in a strong spirit at the end of the day.

The kind of releif I crave for to get rid of any psychological tormenting pain that I may have, quick and accurate pain releif, like an asprin almost.

The sweetest sleeping pill perscribed by any doctor, luring me into a deep and peaceful slumber, making me forget all the worries I may have for the day and leaving me refreshed in the morning.

The worst kind of hang over I could ever exprerience. You leave me disoriented, powerless, groggy and drained after every disagreement, and like an alcholic, I promise myself that 'this will be the last time I mess with' you, only to find myself unconciously craving for the next time I'm with you.

Yoga: Considering the after effects of a good work out, you leave me feeling fully exhausted but extremely happy. The bounce in my step, the fire in my eyes, an ease in my posture and a constant smile on my face are only but a few of the wonderful new changes I have expreienced since I met you.

The Weather: Always changing and taking my mood along with you. When you're sunny and bright, I will have the best of days, as vibrant and as bright as you are, nothing and no one can stop me.

A rainy storm on a lonley Friday night, unpredictable and unexpected yet welcome and comforting when I'm stuck at home with nothing to do and nowhere to go.

Like the night, full of surprises both good, bad and scary...similar to the day, always a mystery never knowing what to expect, and always giving me a new hand, never knowing what I should be looking forward to.

My Raggidy Anne Doll: Always there to comfort me, never accusing even if I'm in the wrong, always understanding...my childhood playmate that shaped me into what and who I am today, and I thank you for that.

Everything and more in my eyes, do you know who you are?