Used

A whirl-wind of romantic tension and feelings of love budding in the nips of your heart keep you up late nights and composed during your days. Numerous phone calls and a dozen messages fuel your necessity for love; feed your desire to love someone else and complete the circle.

Then you go out on a date, and giggle more than you actually should be. You’re eyes are glazed over with admiration, your ears tuned in to the praises and phrases that suggest something more. The night flies by fast, with you clutching to every passing moment as if it were your last. You know this feeling.

How can you see nothing wrong?
How do you hear nothing wrong?
Why won’t you speak of nothing wrong?

It could only mean one thing: you have fallen for the person before you. Your thoughts are diverted to him; if only they would give you some sort of ‘sign’ back. And then, after a long wait and nights full of doubt, the words you’ve been waiting for come tumbling out:

“I like you”

Offered to you in plain context, these words are thrown at you in a bar; delivered to your ears when your consciousness is close to dead. Drunken happiness gets the best of you, and you don’t need much explaining- your mind will process the rest of those papers for him…free of charge, and with no taxes.

Things move fast, faster than you would have anticipated but you’re scared that if you slow down your step all may be lost for good. So you throw your head back with a smile etched across your face and enjoy the moment as it passes. Your heart beating proudly, your soul at ease with another’s- your body at the mercy of this man, and a prayer to God that “this will all work itself out”.

The morning comes round, the deed is swiftly done. The papers signed, the shimmer all gone- the truth ebbing its way into your thoughts. As you sneak out of the house and sit in the cab, you wait for a word- anything that will prove you wrong on this one. When it doesn’t come, depression sinks in as the thought of alcohol at this hour develops into a necessary method to cope.

Could this really be happening?

Days pass, no words exchanged. Only answers to the neutral questions you pose. His affection has walked out the door and slammed it in your face. Taken all his suitcases, and will never look back. Yours has outstayed her welcome. It’s time you realize your place is in the kennel, far from him.

Grasping, barely, onto what pride you have left, you clear your throat, delete his phone number and texts, take a deep breath and venture out into the world continuing your journey in the hunt for something ‘real’. Wounded inside like a puppy incapable of looking after itself, you put on your game face, manipulate your charm and jump back into the diversion.

Promising yourself not to let this secret out, you lock it up in the chest of forbidden secrets and try to forget it all together. Simple conversation with this man proves to be easier than you thought. Even if the world doesn’t know, he still does. The truth of the matter is:

You were used.