In Another Life...

I went by my full name.

Of recent I've cut it, re-arrainged the letters and come up with something short and Anglo-ish. Not that I really care what people think of my name, but the whole "what's your Christain name" routine is kinda getting old. So what if I dont have one? Why is it Third World Countires are so taken up with impersonating First World Countires? I dont see them desperately trying to fix names of Afro-origin to their identities...whats the big deal?

I did not want.

These days its more like I desire! Not that I dont get enough as it is, and dont get me wrong, I am greatful for everything I already have, but why is it that ever since The Big Move I find myself sitting down with authorities and engaging in lengthy disscussions concerning my finacial allowences, my liberties, my appearance and even forms of punishment...??? And while I steadily fight for what I know I have a right to, people around look on and whisper

she is such a spoilt child!

how can she question her parents!

eh! they really raised her badly!

They should have put it in mind when raising me, that a child who is taught fairness, equality and freedom of expression will certainly not compromise herself for the sake of fitting in. There is no way she could possibly change and reformate her Life's priorities for the sake of others!!
I was not raised like any Church Mouse, I am certainly not about to pretend I was just because other families are.

I never doubted myself.

I knew exactly what I wanted from life, how the hell I was going to get it and I had the most important weapon in my pocket

People who beleived in me.

Nine years later, I have stumbled upon the thought that I really did not know what I wanted in the first place. Whereas any interest I had when I was young was immediately implimented, be it Karate, Gymnastics or Marine Life- the social circles I live in now are so rigid, exploration and discovery are hard things to come by. Now, bound within the lines of four or five proffessions I was clearly not made for, I find myself asking...Where do I fall?

I did not resent my origin.

I flaunted it, bragged about it and tried to find out as much as I possibly could in a world where very little is known. I kept diaries and photos, self-taught myself words and looked forward to visits. I guess this world wasn't too eager to about me. I find it hard to sympathsize and work for a world that dwells in self-pity and disciminates against those trying to embrace what should be theirs too. After taking a visit to my Host Country, I've come to notice that I am infact more of what they are than of what the people here are. Its a pity that when an indiviual is struggling to identify with a group, their Host is usually more favourable than their Origin.

I would never have written something like this.

Simply because I would not have the reason or neccesity to. In the midst of a life so balanced, with all aspects taken care of and nix cracks of nothingness, confusion and worthlessness I could never have come up with this.

I would never have been sentient.

I never would have been blessed to have the knowledge of both worlds. Over the years I have mixed, matched and struck a balance between the two and emerged as a being unlike any other. I wouldn't trade that for the anything.

To The Men In My Life

"I would not be what I am today if it wasn't for learning the lessons I did by being with each of you... And by God I can tell you right now, you're more than ten!" -Nailey-

Ehem!!

always gatta have the last say dont you? you gatta be the one who says the final thing, gatta say the crashing line that sends the other into a frenzy of tears? not with me you wont, before you go off swanking your might, i'd like to shed some light on the real issues at hand that you may stubbornly want to masquerade...

its over! and come to think of it, i dont miss whatever we had so much- i've come to realize that i'm going to miss your cute face more than the endless text messages and emails and drunk chit chats we've had over the past three months. we never did really connect on an intellectual level- it was always stale joke after stale joke, shallow vibe and constant upgrading that never really did me any good, no wonder why i cant squeeze a tear out for you...

i'm sorry to say this, but you really did turn out to be exactly what your ex said you would be. too bad when i met you i doubted her judgment of you. but after all those years she still has you down to a T...i can safely say that i dont blame you for whatever went down, i clearly should be blaming myself, for stupidly thinking that after more than 5 years you would have acquired a lil sense along the way...after all, you are just you...

and i guess i can be satisfied that i tried my level best to make something that was clearly not ment to be, be. i'm just glad that its over and done with, because i was seriously loosing out on a lot of good things in my life. see, i am a creature unlike any other, and as a creature unlike any other i find it absolutely appalling that i should for one second cry over something that really wasn't worth my time in the first place. so sir- this is the only obituary you'll ever be receiving, enjoy it while it lasts...

consequently, as i come to the end- a paragraph dedicated to each profligate month i squandered on you- i can only wish you the best of luck with your future relationships. being me, i would not aspire for any harm or evil to come your way- i only ask God that he bestow to you an individual as superficial, dim witted and lifeless as yourself, for its only then that you will actually appreciate, settle and be content with what you have.

have a nice life.

An Old Flame

Its funny how old flames still have a hold over you, is it not? I mean, I'm not the one for the whole strings attached thing, but I must say- there is a lil something that's still in there for each of the dudes I've ever loved, even though I'd rather die than admit it.

Now, some of y'all might start hating. Asking yourselves and those around you, 'but who has Her Royal Naughtiness ever loved apart from herself?' They out there somewhere- probably don't know they had a hold over me like that though.

Ahhh, but then again there is this one. Has had me for a while, I'm telling you. He's not extra-ordinary at all; not exceptionally tall, or enviously built. He don't have an accent that would make you wonder, his voice doesn't make you shiver. His touch doesn't have divine effects, his kisses ain't never been sweet. His pride is a bit over the edge, somebody who didn't know him would mistake it for arrogance. He has so many flaws in his personality, he's not much to look at either and his dress sense needs a lot of work- but that's the dude that I would have done anything for a lil while back.

See, this dude is above average when it comes to using his nut. This boy, this old flame of mine, is down right crafty. Oh, he's smart all right, was smart enough to make it past all the various walls I have protecting me from the rest of the cruel and harsh world of heart breaks and disappointments. It still beats my understanding...perhaps if I shared this here lil story with you, you would tell me?

We started out as cold enemies. Typical, ain't it? After all, he was in a higher class than me, so what did I care if he had a problem with the way I be? He was an ant in my world, even if the rest of the school thought I was a fool for refusing to impress this lil semi-god of theirs...I was too busy pursuing more sensible greater things, or so I thought. Lil did I know, the kid had it all lined up for me. He knew just what cards to play, he had the winning hand right in front of him.

I can still remember the first time we actually had a normal conversation, you know? The kind that wasn't punctuated by various insults. It happened to be one of those nights where everybody's up to no good. A couple of 5th years, my other 4th year friend in crime and I all decided to sneak off the school premises in search of more stimulating entertainment that better suited our appetites.

Upon reaching our destination of satisfaction, we all naturally scattered around the club in search of people we knew, kissing corners and new faces that enticed us. After a couple of drinks, we all merged to the dance floor, at first opting to dance in a big circle. It didn't the guys long before they snatched up various dancing partners. I got shuffled around a couple of times, and before I could notice it, I was in the sure arms of a person I had detested from the get go.

Being the polite person that I am, I decided that dancing one song with the Enemy wouldn't hurt nobody. Perhaps I'd learn something new, maybe find out the reason why so many pretty girls flocked to him like mosquitoes to a succulent piece of flesh in the Amazon...

One song turned into two. Two into three. Three into- you get the point. And so did the conversation develop. Suddenly humming the tune of a favourite track made me want to sing the lyrics out loud. I seemed to have grabbed his attention, because where it was necessary, he filled in the parts sang by the opposite sex. I don't even know where all the joy and laughter came from, but it was there, and by the end of the night, we were pretty well acquainted.

Life at school from then on took a sudden twist. I hung out more and more with this jock. Was always there for his games, ate meals with him- I became one of the boys, for Chrissake! It had its advantages, for one I was always priority when it came down to choosing girls to represent the school- and that was a hard list tto make! His activities were all known tto me, He would even come and get my advice sometimes! I knew his every move, and he mine. We became so inseperable- I was the 6th years 'Sweetheart' because of him and his crew.

Naturally, this didn't go down well with most of the girls in his class, or the rest of the school for that matter. What made me so much more better than they? After all, I was just a typical tomboy!! Evidently, this worked to his advantage, because I came round faster than the seeconds hand on a Grandfather Clock! It didn't take long before we were kissing on the low-low. I mean, we both were in pretty known relationships- but lets face the fact, neither of us was truely happy and content where we were.

It went on like this untill the Enemy graduated and left. I did miss him a lil, I wont deny that, but I had had my share of him- and unlike the rest of the birds in the school, I had lasted with him- even if it had always been a secret.

I joined him a year later, in another institute. He looked for me. He found me. It took hima while to get me where he wanted me. But he eventually did, and then its like he had in a live-in sister. Since he wasn't in a relationship, and I obviously wasn't in one either, we decided to ggive it a shot. But its kinda hard to date your 'brother' isn't it? There was no lie that either of us could tell, without the other knowing. He knew all my flaws, just as I knew all his. And so it never really worked out, not that either of us would admit though.

And so now, when I bump into this boy, I can't help but smile and ask myself 'what did you see in him?' When we're out together its like the old days, there is no beef, no hatred, no hard feelings. It was just one of those things that could never be, you know what I'm saying? And the funny thing is, I see our friendship blosseming far off into the future- I'll always be there for him, and I know I can count on him to. Because underneath all that Big Boy Talk and Brag, there is the guy that I got to know so well, this boy that I fell in love with; there is a man who has undoubtedly been able to tame my wild nature- at least for a lil while...

Dear Baby,

1 Month: This is your mother talking to you- I have just found out that you've been livng inside me...thats quite amazing considering the fact that I had no prior warning to your arrival...all the same, you are quite welcome to inhabit my womb that you so nicely made yourself at home in already. I wonder how your father will take this?

2 Months: Hello my child, your father has left us. He said something about not being entirely sure about being the sperm that met my egg and made you, you'll understand it a little better when you grow up. Anyways, its just the two of us now, yup you hurd me right, I'm not going to get rid of you- I still want to prove to that fool that you are his, and how will I do that without you in flesh and blood?

3 Months: Heyah Kiddo, your getting big arn't you? The last check up I went for, the doctor said that everything is going just as planned. I've seen you a couple of times too, squirming about in my tummy, whats with the restlessness? I also noticed you dont really like chilly- thanks to you I've developed the worst sweet tooth I've ever known about...six months to go and perhaps I'll get my life back?

4 Months: Okay listen up Pal, you really have to give this kicking buisness a break! Its bad enough that you've made yourself comfortable on my bladder, I can't hold anything anymore. And you have me throwing up all day long- I wonder why they call it Morning Sickness- what did I do to deserve this?!

5 Months: I met your Daddy today. I was taking a walk around the park, one of those mid-afternoon strolls I've become so accustomed to taking, and there he was! Gosh, just looking at him got all these mixed feelings I have been harbouring for the past five months gushing out of me...I was shocked out of words, and trust me my darling, your mother is never out of words!

6 Months: Your Daddy moved in today. We have been talking things through, and we both want the best for you, so we're going to give it a try- as a family. Arn't you excited? I am, phew, I'm getting so damn tired of doing everything by myself, that fool better make up for the six months he'd been missing- thinks he can just waltz in when half the work is done- damn fool!

7 Months: I believe its just one of those months when you have no doubt had a hand in why I feel the way I do. Tootsi tell me, how its possible for me to care for you with all my heart, adore and cherish the seven months we've spent together even though we have never met? My Baby, I long for you. I long to look into your lovely eyes, cradle and comfort you peacefully in my loving arms. I would rather die than hurt you...do you have any clue?

8 Months: I can't walk around anymore, I swear Tootsi, I'm going to put you on a major diet once you're out into the world! I have gained so much weight, I know I look like an elephant- even though your Daddy says I dont, but he's always been a bit of a lier- first thing I'm going to do next month is hit the gym, no excuses! Any ideas for names? I quite like Tootsi myself, but your Daddy says kids will pick on you at school, since when did he know anything about everything?

9 Months: My heart is just over flowing with joy this morning! At around 10am this morning, after all my struggling and after Daddy passed out from shock, my brilliant beautiful bouncing baby boy came into existence! Its a shame Daddy wasnt there, although he'll never admit it, because you, my Boy, you have yourself a set of lungs that only I as your mother could ever give you! Looks like your Daddy owes me 200 dollers don't it? I told him you'd be a boy!!!

to be continued...

I'm Sorry...

I'm sorry for my big mouth.
You two would have still been together
Even though you're both twisted

I'm sorry for my curiosity.
You would have probably got away with everything
And people would never have known about your other side

I'm sorry for my drunkenness.
Conceivably, your impression of me as a dwanzie would not be prevailing
You would have taken me a bit more seriously

I'm sorry for my cowardliness.
Maybe you would have been a better person

If only you knew that I really knew the real you

I'm sorry fro my soft nature.
Perhaps in life one needs to face it rough
After all, protecting you from yourself isn't helping

I'm sorry for our friendship.
It seems to be punctuated by more troubles than laughs
We should have just stayed acquaintances

I'm sorry for my aloofness.
I should have made it my responsibility to stand up to you,
Instead of leaving it up to everyone else

And lastly,

I'm sorry for my ability to pretend.
You will never really know that I'm sorry for all this
Unless of course you figure out that this entry is for you.

You are...

Music: Like soft rock, you lure me into a vulnurable trance, playing through my mind like an unforgetable tune.

The kind of loud heavy metal that only comforts me when I'm completely confused and really dont know what I were put on this earth to do.

Punk rock, irritating when you catch me off gaurd, but full of so much meaning if I take the time to listen.

R'n'B, the kind that has soooo much Blue in it, its almost like the artist is singing about events happening in my life and so much Rythm in it that I'm completely powerless to it...cant dance, yet I find it impossible to sit it out....

Jazz too! A tune that is one of a kind, the kind that can stand the test of time and makes me want to play him over and over again, even though I dont consider myself the type to like Jazz in the first place....

Alchol and Drugs: Hard to stomach at first, but the perfect kind of solitude and comfort that I desperately look for in a strong spirit at the end of the day.

The kind of releif I crave for to get rid of any psychological tormenting pain that I may have, quick and accurate pain releif, like an asprin almost.

The sweetest sleeping pill perscribed by any doctor, luring me into a deep and peaceful slumber, making me forget all the worries I may have for the day and leaving me refreshed in the morning.

The worst kind of hang over I could ever exprerience. You leave me disoriented, powerless, groggy and drained after every disagreement, and like an alcholic, I promise myself that 'this will be the last time I mess with' you, only to find myself unconciously craving for the next time I'm with you.

Yoga: Considering the after effects of a good work out, you leave me feeling fully exhausted but extremely happy. The bounce in my step, the fire in my eyes, an ease in my posture and a constant smile on my face are only but a few of the wonderful new changes I have expreienced since I met you.

The Weather: Always changing and taking my mood along with you. When you're sunny and bright, I will have the best of days, as vibrant and as bright as you are, nothing and no one can stop me.

A rainy storm on a lonley Friday night, unpredictable and unexpected yet welcome and comforting when I'm stuck at home with nothing to do and nowhere to go.

Like the night, full of surprises both good, bad and scary...similar to the day, always a mystery never knowing what to expect, and always giving me a new hand, never knowing what I should be looking forward to.

My Raggidy Anne Doll: Always there to comfort me, never accusing even if I'm in the wrong, always understanding...my childhood playmate that shaped me into what and who I am today, and I thank you for that.

Everything and more in my eyes, do you know who you are?