Penny For My Thoughts...

I dont understand why you feel its in your every right to sit back and shower me with meaningless abuses and low-life threats when infact the truth of the matter is we have never been that close.

I need you to understand that your methods of maintaining associates is quite desturbing.

I have put up with your nuisnense for six good years, and I am afraid to say, this is the point where I crack. I cannot take your pestering anymore.

I ask that you take a moment and read through this...you know who you are, the instances I give will jerk your memory just incase you're expreinceing momentary denial.

I dont understand why you want to live my life.

'Life is what you make it' thats how the saying goes, so why try and take mine? Im all-in trying to understand why you always want to seize what is mine. My sense of dress has become your obssession and my relations your ardor. The list is endless!

I would have been able to deal with you a little longer had it not been for your familiarity with my those I hold dear.

What is your point here? What position are you trying to establish? Your consistent stopovers at my domicile have long expired and you're still pushing the date, but you still dont get it. I am being forced to give it to you in plain simple English: I dont like your companionship.

Whereas friends build one another, our aquaintence has been one-sided from where I stand. I have failed to pick up a decent habit, learn a new trick or even single out an excellent piece of advice from you.

Instead I am in between defending myself from the words you spread around about me and desperately trying to find a good reason why we infact still are in touch. I have hurd it numerous times that we should just end all form of communication. But you know which strings to pull. You know how to make me feel sorry for you, feel like if I leave you, you'll disappear from the face of the Earth.

I think its time to let you drop, my dear. And this time I will not be looking back.

I honestly feel that I gave our friendship a fair shot. I just cannot put up with your selfish and oppressive ways anymore. I look forward to continuing my life without you in it, my only request is that this time you stay in the past, where I should have left you so many years, long ago.

This is it.

Dear Softspot,

Are you aware that I am in love with you?
And I can't quite put my finger on the reason why...

I wake up in the morning and go through my day because of you.
I don't even want to be out if I know you're not out somwhere too!

You have me thinking 'long term' when it comes to 'us'.
I dont think I've ever been this sprung, and frankly I don't care if I get duss.

You're like a drug that I'm getting addicted to.
I'm so lucky to have you as my beau.

This feeling is so amazing, I don't want it to end.
You have to beleive me, its not make-pretend!

So with these few words I ask in retuern that you love me back.
And if since you have complied, we shall forever keep this pact!

Lots of Love,

Nailey

2 U, With Luv

Its hardly been 2 weeks and you have accomplished wonders! Like the word 'crush' in its actual sense, you've completely defeated my defense system, baffled my senses and squeezed out every ounce of cynicism I have ever held for your type.

Naked, yet strangely confident, you've uncovered a completely different side of me I never knew I had. Cooking, cleaning and carefully laid presentation have never really been a priority on my life's list of achievements. Nevertheless, I find myself, slowly but surely, assuming the role of the largely desired yet strangely foreign role of the 'perfect housewife' when I am with you.

Looking forward to the days I'll see you has become a favourite past time of mine. What will I wear? My hair? Nails? Am i funny enough? Perhaps I should update my attitude towards guys like you? All this and more race through my mind as I patiently wait and quietly long for another day when I'll see you.
Its come to my attention that the behaviours that would normally be alien to my nature are leisurely becoming customary to the 'new' me. And while I am neither complaining nor am I completely ready to fully acknowledge these alarmingly new transformations, I have come to an understanding with myself that after you, nothing will ever really be the same again.

And so I have arrived to the conclusion that you have definitely outdone yourself as the character of my newest affections. I have the immense feeling that this disturbingly fresh yet finicky sensation isn't going to disappear anytime soon.
Subsequently, rather than fight what I am feeling, I find it in my best interest to consider, embrace and follow Tamia's advice from her song Who Do You Tell when I say:-

Je vais craquer pour toi, est je ne sais pas quoi faire...comme tu veux avec moi.

I only ask that you be merciful with me, and pray to God that everything works out.

In Another Life...

I went by my full name.

Of recent I've cut it, re-arrainged the letters and come up with something short and Anglo-ish. Not that I really care what people think of my name, but the whole "what's your Christain name" routine is kinda getting old. So what if I dont have one? Why is it Third World Countires are so taken up with impersonating First World Countires? I dont see them desperately trying to fix names of Afro-origin to their identities...whats the big deal?

I did not want.

These days its more like I desire! Not that I dont get enough as it is, and dont get me wrong, I am greatful for everything I already have, but why is it that ever since The Big Move I find myself sitting down with authorities and engaging in lengthy disscussions concerning my finacial allowences, my liberties, my appearance and even forms of punishment...??? And while I steadily fight for what I know I have a right to, people around look on and whisper

she is such a spoilt child!

how can she question her parents!

eh! they really raised her badly!

They should have put it in mind when raising me, that a child who is taught fairness, equality and freedom of expression will certainly not compromise herself for the sake of fitting in. There is no way she could possibly change and reformate her Life's priorities for the sake of others!!
I was not raised like any Church Mouse, I am certainly not about to pretend I was just because other families are.

I never doubted myself.

I knew exactly what I wanted from life, how the hell I was going to get it and I had the most important weapon in my pocket

People who beleived in me.

Nine years later, I have stumbled upon the thought that I really did not know what I wanted in the first place. Whereas any interest I had when I was young was immediately implimented, be it Karate, Gymnastics or Marine Life- the social circles I live in now are so rigid, exploration and discovery are hard things to come by. Now, bound within the lines of four or five proffessions I was clearly not made for, I find myself asking...Where do I fall?

I did not resent my origin.

I flaunted it, bragged about it and tried to find out as much as I possibly could in a world where very little is known. I kept diaries and photos, self-taught myself words and looked forward to visits. I guess this world wasn't too eager to about me. I find it hard to sympathsize and work for a world that dwells in self-pity and disciminates against those trying to embrace what should be theirs too. After taking a visit to my Host Country, I've come to notice that I am infact more of what they are than of what the people here are. Its a pity that when an indiviual is struggling to identify with a group, their Host is usually more favourable than their Origin.

I would never have written something like this.

Simply because I would not have the reason or neccesity to. In the midst of a life so balanced, with all aspects taken care of and nix cracks of nothingness, confusion and worthlessness I could never have come up with this.

I would never have been sentient.

I never would have been blessed to have the knowledge of both worlds. Over the years I have mixed, matched and struck a balance between the two and emerged as a being unlike any other. I wouldn't trade that for the anything.

To The Men In My Life

"I would not be what I am today if it wasn't for learning the lessons I did by being with each of you... And by God I can tell you right now, you're more than ten!" -Nailey-

Ehem!!

always gatta have the last say dont you? you gatta be the one who says the final thing, gatta say the crashing line that sends the other into a frenzy of tears? not with me you wont, before you go off swanking your might, i'd like to shed some light on the real issues at hand that you may stubbornly want to masquerade...

its over! and come to think of it, i dont miss whatever we had so much- i've come to realize that i'm going to miss your cute face more than the endless text messages and emails and drunk chit chats we've had over the past three months. we never did really connect on an intellectual level- it was always stale joke after stale joke, shallow vibe and constant upgrading that never really did me any good, no wonder why i cant squeeze a tear out for you...

i'm sorry to say this, but you really did turn out to be exactly what your ex said you would be. too bad when i met you i doubted her judgment of you. but after all those years she still has you down to a T...i can safely say that i dont blame you for whatever went down, i clearly should be blaming myself, for stupidly thinking that after more than 5 years you would have acquired a lil sense along the way...after all, you are just you...

and i guess i can be satisfied that i tried my level best to make something that was clearly not ment to be, be. i'm just glad that its over and done with, because i was seriously loosing out on a lot of good things in my life. see, i am a creature unlike any other, and as a creature unlike any other i find it absolutely appalling that i should for one second cry over something that really wasn't worth my time in the first place. so sir- this is the only obituary you'll ever be receiving, enjoy it while it lasts...

consequently, as i come to the end- a paragraph dedicated to each profligate month i squandered on you- i can only wish you the best of luck with your future relationships. being me, i would not aspire for any harm or evil to come your way- i only ask God that he bestow to you an individual as superficial, dim witted and lifeless as yourself, for its only then that you will actually appreciate, settle and be content with what you have.

have a nice life.

An Old Flame

Its funny how old flames still have a hold over you, is it not? I mean, I'm not the one for the whole strings attached thing, but I must say- there is a lil something that's still in there for each of the dudes I've ever loved, even though I'd rather die than admit it.

Now, some of y'all might start hating. Asking yourselves and those around you, 'but who has Her Royal Naughtiness ever loved apart from herself?' They out there somewhere- probably don't know they had a hold over me like that though.

Ahhh, but then again there is this one. Has had me for a while, I'm telling you. He's not extra-ordinary at all; not exceptionally tall, or enviously built. He don't have an accent that would make you wonder, his voice doesn't make you shiver. His touch doesn't have divine effects, his kisses ain't never been sweet. His pride is a bit over the edge, somebody who didn't know him would mistake it for arrogance. He has so many flaws in his personality, he's not much to look at either and his dress sense needs a lot of work- but that's the dude that I would have done anything for a lil while back.

See, this dude is above average when it comes to using his nut. This boy, this old flame of mine, is down right crafty. Oh, he's smart all right, was smart enough to make it past all the various walls I have protecting me from the rest of the cruel and harsh world of heart breaks and disappointments. It still beats my understanding...perhaps if I shared this here lil story with you, you would tell me?

We started out as cold enemies. Typical, ain't it? After all, he was in a higher class than me, so what did I care if he had a problem with the way I be? He was an ant in my world, even if the rest of the school thought I was a fool for refusing to impress this lil semi-god of theirs...I was too busy pursuing more sensible greater things, or so I thought. Lil did I know, the kid had it all lined up for me. He knew just what cards to play, he had the winning hand right in front of him.

I can still remember the first time we actually had a normal conversation, you know? The kind that wasn't punctuated by various insults. It happened to be one of those nights where everybody's up to no good. A couple of 5th years, my other 4th year friend in crime and I all decided to sneak off the school premises in search of more stimulating entertainment that better suited our appetites.

Upon reaching our destination of satisfaction, we all naturally scattered around the club in search of people we knew, kissing corners and new faces that enticed us. After a couple of drinks, we all merged to the dance floor, at first opting to dance in a big circle. It didn't the guys long before they snatched up various dancing partners. I got shuffled around a couple of times, and before I could notice it, I was in the sure arms of a person I had detested from the get go.

Being the polite person that I am, I decided that dancing one song with the Enemy wouldn't hurt nobody. Perhaps I'd learn something new, maybe find out the reason why so many pretty girls flocked to him like mosquitoes to a succulent piece of flesh in the Amazon...

One song turned into two. Two into three. Three into- you get the point. And so did the conversation develop. Suddenly humming the tune of a favourite track made me want to sing the lyrics out loud. I seemed to have grabbed his attention, because where it was necessary, he filled in the parts sang by the opposite sex. I don't even know where all the joy and laughter came from, but it was there, and by the end of the night, we were pretty well acquainted.

Life at school from then on took a sudden twist. I hung out more and more with this jock. Was always there for his games, ate meals with him- I became one of the boys, for Chrissake! It had its advantages, for one I was always priority when it came down to choosing girls to represent the school- and that was a hard list tto make! His activities were all known tto me, He would even come and get my advice sometimes! I knew his every move, and he mine. We became so inseperable- I was the 6th years 'Sweetheart' because of him and his crew.

Naturally, this didn't go down well with most of the girls in his class, or the rest of the school for that matter. What made me so much more better than they? After all, I was just a typical tomboy!! Evidently, this worked to his advantage, because I came round faster than the seeconds hand on a Grandfather Clock! It didn't take long before we were kissing on the low-low. I mean, we both were in pretty known relationships- but lets face the fact, neither of us was truely happy and content where we were.

It went on like this untill the Enemy graduated and left. I did miss him a lil, I wont deny that, but I had had my share of him- and unlike the rest of the birds in the school, I had lasted with him- even if it had always been a secret.

I joined him a year later, in another institute. He looked for me. He found me. It took hima while to get me where he wanted me. But he eventually did, and then its like he had in a live-in sister. Since he wasn't in a relationship, and I obviously wasn't in one either, we decided to ggive it a shot. But its kinda hard to date your 'brother' isn't it? There was no lie that either of us could tell, without the other knowing. He knew all my flaws, just as I knew all his. And so it never really worked out, not that either of us would admit though.

And so now, when I bump into this boy, I can't help but smile and ask myself 'what did you see in him?' When we're out together its like the old days, there is no beef, no hatred, no hard feelings. It was just one of those things that could never be, you know what I'm saying? And the funny thing is, I see our friendship blosseming far off into the future- I'll always be there for him, and I know I can count on him to. Because underneath all that Big Boy Talk and Brag, there is the guy that I got to know so well, this boy that I fell in love with; there is a man who has undoubtedly been able to tame my wild nature- at least for a lil while...