R.I.P Philip 'Pip' Tendo

Dear Pip,

I cant believe your gone.

Seriously, I just saw you about two weeks ago and suddenly I get a call Sunday Morning and they can't find you anywhere! I'm in between shocked and denial, don't want to let my heart give up on you too fast, but I know it was always your wish that we live on, move on, go on like always.

It would be selfish of me to think that I'm the only one deeply hurt, your best friend, my best friend...the rest of the Kaaplae and Kataaza Crew is hurting too...but what about your siblings? I know they feel lost in all this, your young wife- your whole life that was going to fold ahead of you...its all come to an end. A sad and early end that's left the rest of us still here on earth unsatisfied and full of sorrow.

Pip, can you see us from where you are? Can you read our thoughts and understand how much we miss you? Its barely been 48 hours but our lives are all messed up. Search parties are out on the lake, everyone is aware. The news spread so fast.

I'm scared of funerals, you know that. I may not be able to muster up the courage to cry in front of all those people, but that don't mean that I'm not torn up inside...you were my brother- unlike the others we had a seriously special bond. I took your word for everything, and you took mine. We understood eachother, filled in for others and comforted ourselves in our own special way.

First you moved to South Africa and our connection was temporally lost. But you called me, kept in touch with me and always seemed to pop up at the right times. Your arrival home was the best thing I had heard in weeks. Just after a horrible relationship, having you in the country was really God sent.

I wish I hadn't begged you to come home. I wish I would have called you the day before and asked you not to go. I wish we had caught up. I wish, I wish, I wish. I wish this could be undone. I wish there was a way. A way to reverse all this.

Why Pip? Why now? Why soooo young?

Its not fair, you life was just opening up. But I have nobody to blame but fate. Fate did this. Its all her fault. But I know you're in a better place. I know you're watching over us. I know, I know, I know you never would have wanted me or anyone else to mope about.

I promise I'll carry on your name. I wont let this all disappear. I will always love you, you're family to me and I won't, I repeat I wont let you go in vain. I'll try my best to pitch in where I can, I want to meet your siblings and share their loss. I will take care of your wife, comfort her and be there always. I'll keep the Kaapale name going strong, despite the fact that you're gone- I wont let you spirit die.

I will wait for you in my dreams to talk to me. I will look forward to seeking out signs that you're around. I will always keep you in my prayers. I will continue to move forward. Won't be weak, I wont. I will stay strong, and help those who need it.

Above everything, I will miss you.

As we always used to say- nkwagala,

-Baby Kaapale-

The Remaindants of What was...

We all know the story goes:

Girl meets boy (or the other way around), they have sex (one way or the other), and break up once their full of each other’s extra stuff that they didn’t know existed before they got themselves in that rut. Girl usually cries and boy goes binge drinking with his friends…but sometimes they both go binge drinking- okay most times. That’s basically it.

Well, last night as I lay in my bed struggling to get a drop of sand from the almost empty sand bag the sleeping man held- I begun to think of the last seven months that I seemed to have been in hibernation for.

I’m not going to take you through the whole hallo-ballu of what really went down, that may be far to boring for the few of you, and really horrific for the majority. No, I won’t sing that song. Not today, not tomorrow- sorry Softspot, don’t think I have what it takes to give you that kind of reception.

Rather, I’d like today’s blog entry to be full of the things I learnt from hands on experience. Ready? Here we go….

Be selfish: because if you don’t care about yourself, it’s only a matter of time before he stops caring about you so you might as well keep that little vice by your side, least you loose him, yourself and all your friends in one go. Besides, I dont care what the world says...NOBODY and I mean NOBODY can care about you the way you can.

Don’t expect much: Softspot once told me that he doesn’t expect much from relationships (ALARM PLEASE) and maybe he had a point. I mean I spent all this time expecting just the basics out of the nigger and he couldn’t even make that bar!

Get what you want and Get Out: Guys do it, when we do it we are labeled sluts. Trust me, I would much rather go back to being labeled that than the perfect one and have all my feelings slapped back in my face in a matter of days with no where to turn to and part of me missing.

Money Is Evil: It makes guys feel inferior and girls feel like mothers. I’m only 22 for God’s sake, I dint sign up for a son older than me, a bunch of over due bills and pocket open to my ‘son’ and all his fantasy desires.

PLEASE NOTE: I called them fantasy desires and not needs because that’s what they were. Things he’s always dreamed of doing, of eating, of having but just couldn’t get- until I came along of course.

Never change yourself: Isn’t it funny how when a guy met you, he was instantly attracted to your snobbish manner, your elevated class, your vigorous partying habits? And then when they ‘wife’ you, it’s all out the door in a matter of seconds. No more mini skirts, exotic underwear (unless he permits it), partying out on end…none of that.

Its dishes, cooking, movies (you’re not even interested in), cleaning and endless chatting over the phone. Then, out of the blue it’s “you don’t look so attractive” to him anymore because he’s lost interest in your wifey manner. He wants, sassy, sexy, hot, and unpredictable. Not the usual fights you have, the everyday responsibility or having to check up on you. He wants the challenge- and you’re not it anymore.

Lie a little: Its not like you’ll get caught and he’s probably lying to you anyhow, even though he claims that honesty is the major foundation of this relationship you’re in.

Always have an ‘I’ in the relationship: Giving it all up to fast and making everything ‘we’ is totally not the way to go. Our allowance (which is actually yours), our room (in your hostel), our preferences (that are usually he-dominated) just give him a better chance at governing your life and you at forgetting and loosing yourself in his. That’s never been good. Because when its all over, he walks off with himself in tact, no sob, no sigh, no reminiscence of you or the things you used to do (because you did what he liked) and you get loaded with it.

Don’t Stop Fishing: There are really so many fish out there in the see, and when your hook is well baited and you have soo many kinds of fish fighting for that one piece of bait, be sure to sprinkle enough appetizer around for all. Just to keep them around the pool you’re in until you feel ready to catch another one.

Don’t be gullible: It only translates into stupidity anyways. Let your mind run free, doesn’t matter how insane an idea might sound like, have it at the back of your mind so when it becomes a reality, you’re not wishing you had listened to your gut feeling in the beginning.

Lastly, be kind: At the end of the day, it’s his loss not yours. You will go on to find people who deserve your time and he will continue to walk through the world another piece of worthless scum. And at night when you feel bad because you believe you wasted all that time on a good for nothing twit, have comfort in knowing that he actually does miss your specialty, fried spaghetti; and that he wishes you could invite him over once more to spoil him some more, bail him out of a fix, listen to him rant and rave, and most of all- exist as living proof that to you he was the greatest.

So with those words of...words of what are they? Whatever they are anyways, swallow as much as you can and refer to this page whenever you're in need of some consolidation. It cant be that bad after all.

From the Royal Queen of Naughtiness herself,

Nali...ehem...NOT Nailey

Dear Friends,

Its been a while, seven months in fact. I've thrown out my big crowd, settled in for a lesser one and kept to myself all this while even when you were all desperately tying to reach out to me. I'm sorry.
I dint know how I ever could have thought that being in a relationship...a 'serious' relations...made people change the way I did. I thought I was doing it for the better, I obviously was doing it for the worse.
I hurt a lot of the people who made me who I am today, I dint listen to their words of caution and ended up spending most of those seven months crying in the privacy of my bedroom. I dint have anybody to tun to. And when he started treating me like shit, I sincerely felt this was what I deserved for not holding on to my friendships a little tighter.
I know, obviously, I wont get them all back...the friendships I cherish sooo deeply, but I beg you all to reconsider. I was merely side-tracked, a lesson well learnt but I had to go through this. Its honestly made me a better person as a whole...given me time to slow down and seriously think about what I want in life.
One thing is for sure. I want my friends back, and I wouldn't go through with all of this again- even if he was the last dick standing on earth.

Penny For My Thoughts...

I dont understand why you feel its in your every right to sit back and shower me with meaningless abuses and low-life threats when infact the truth of the matter is we have never been that close.

I need you to understand that your methods of maintaining associates is quite desturbing.

I have put up with your nuisnense for six good years, and I am afraid to say, this is the point where I crack. I cannot take your pestering anymore.

I ask that you take a moment and read through this...you know who you are, the instances I give will jerk your memory just incase you're expreinceing momentary denial.

I dont understand why you want to live my life.

'Life is what you make it' thats how the saying goes, so why try and take mine? Im all-in trying to understand why you always want to seize what is mine. My sense of dress has become your obssession and my relations your ardor. The list is endless!

I would have been able to deal with you a little longer had it not been for your familiarity with my those I hold dear.

What is your point here? What position are you trying to establish? Your consistent stopovers at my domicile have long expired and you're still pushing the date, but you still dont get it. I am being forced to give it to you in plain simple English: I dont like your companionship.

Whereas friends build one another, our aquaintence has been one-sided from where I stand. I have failed to pick up a decent habit, learn a new trick or even single out an excellent piece of advice from you.

Instead I am in between defending myself from the words you spread around about me and desperately trying to find a good reason why we infact still are in touch. I have hurd it numerous times that we should just end all form of communication. But you know which strings to pull. You know how to make me feel sorry for you, feel like if I leave you, you'll disappear from the face of the Earth.

I think its time to let you drop, my dear. And this time I will not be looking back.

I honestly feel that I gave our friendship a fair shot. I just cannot put up with your selfish and oppressive ways anymore. I look forward to continuing my life without you in it, my only request is that this time you stay in the past, where I should have left you so many years, long ago.

This is it.

Dear Softspot,

Are you aware that I am in love with you?
And I can't quite put my finger on the reason why...

I wake up in the morning and go through my day because of you.
I don't even want to be out if I know you're not out somwhere too!

You have me thinking 'long term' when it comes to 'us'.
I dont think I've ever been this sprung, and frankly I don't care if I get duss.

You're like a drug that I'm getting addicted to.
I'm so lucky to have you as my beau.

This feeling is so amazing, I don't want it to end.
You have to beleive me, its not make-pretend!

So with these few words I ask in retuern that you love me back.
And if since you have complied, we shall forever keep this pact!

Lots of Love,

Nailey

2 U, With Luv

Its hardly been 2 weeks and you have accomplished wonders! Like the word 'crush' in its actual sense, you've completely defeated my defense system, baffled my senses and squeezed out every ounce of cynicism I have ever held for your type.

Naked, yet strangely confident, you've uncovered a completely different side of me I never knew I had. Cooking, cleaning and carefully laid presentation have never really been a priority on my life's list of achievements. Nevertheless, I find myself, slowly but surely, assuming the role of the largely desired yet strangely foreign role of the 'perfect housewife' when I am with you.

Looking forward to the days I'll see you has become a favourite past time of mine. What will I wear? My hair? Nails? Am i funny enough? Perhaps I should update my attitude towards guys like you? All this and more race through my mind as I patiently wait and quietly long for another day when I'll see you.
Its come to my attention that the behaviours that would normally be alien to my nature are leisurely becoming customary to the 'new' me. And while I am neither complaining nor am I completely ready to fully acknowledge these alarmingly new transformations, I have come to an understanding with myself that after you, nothing will ever really be the same again.

And so I have arrived to the conclusion that you have definitely outdone yourself as the character of my newest affections. I have the immense feeling that this disturbingly fresh yet finicky sensation isn't going to disappear anytime soon.
Subsequently, rather than fight what I am feeling, I find it in my best interest to consider, embrace and follow Tamia's advice from her song Who Do You Tell when I say:-

Je vais craquer pour toi, est je ne sais pas quoi faire...comme tu veux avec moi.

I only ask that you be merciful with me, and pray to God that everything works out.

In Another Life...

I went by my full name.

Of recent I've cut it, re-arrainged the letters and come up with something short and Anglo-ish. Not that I really care what people think of my name, but the whole "what's your Christain name" routine is kinda getting old. So what if I dont have one? Why is it Third World Countires are so taken up with impersonating First World Countires? I dont see them desperately trying to fix names of Afro-origin to their identities...whats the big deal?

I did not want.

These days its more like I desire! Not that I dont get enough as it is, and dont get me wrong, I am greatful for everything I already have, but why is it that ever since The Big Move I find myself sitting down with authorities and engaging in lengthy disscussions concerning my finacial allowences, my liberties, my appearance and even forms of punishment...??? And while I steadily fight for what I know I have a right to, people around look on and whisper

she is such a spoilt child!

how can she question her parents!

eh! they really raised her badly!

They should have put it in mind when raising me, that a child who is taught fairness, equality and freedom of expression will certainly not compromise herself for the sake of fitting in. There is no way she could possibly change and reformate her Life's priorities for the sake of others!!
I was not raised like any Church Mouse, I am certainly not about to pretend I was just because other families are.

I never doubted myself.

I knew exactly what I wanted from life, how the hell I was going to get it and I had the most important weapon in my pocket

People who beleived in me.

Nine years later, I have stumbled upon the thought that I really did not know what I wanted in the first place. Whereas any interest I had when I was young was immediately implimented, be it Karate, Gymnastics or Marine Life- the social circles I live in now are so rigid, exploration and discovery are hard things to come by. Now, bound within the lines of four or five proffessions I was clearly not made for, I find myself asking...Where do I fall?

I did not resent my origin.

I flaunted it, bragged about it and tried to find out as much as I possibly could in a world where very little is known. I kept diaries and photos, self-taught myself words and looked forward to visits. I guess this world wasn't too eager to about me. I find it hard to sympathsize and work for a world that dwells in self-pity and disciminates against those trying to embrace what should be theirs too. After taking a visit to my Host Country, I've come to notice that I am infact more of what they are than of what the people here are. Its a pity that when an indiviual is struggling to identify with a group, their Host is usually more favourable than their Origin.

I would never have written something like this.

Simply because I would not have the reason or neccesity to. In the midst of a life so balanced, with all aspects taken care of and nix cracks of nothingness, confusion and worthlessness I could never have come up with this.

I would never have been sentient.

I never would have been blessed to have the knowledge of both worlds. Over the years I have mixed, matched and struck a balance between the two and emerged as a being unlike any other. I wouldn't trade that for the anything.