Whats the word...

Confused of whether your feelings for me are similar to mine for you- I spend most of my days and nights puzzled and constantly remembering the short time we shared together. It almost feels like if I keep remembering those times, detail for detail I will come to re-live them once again.

Scribbling frantically every second chance I get- I try and turn my thoughts into words, and then turn those words into soulful sentences that could possibly put into meaning the feelings I hold inside this heart of mine. As if putting the words together to form the sentences will somehow verify our reality.

Scared to admit that I may in fact be wrong about this whole thing that we have going on- I like to think this is mutual and that where ever you are, you're thinking about me just as much as I do you. To tell myself I am wrong seems almost as real as telling myself that 'we' doesn't exist. Its just not acceptable.

Eager to see you come back home to me again, I keep telling myself that they days will roll by quickly enough to spare us the pain of delaying what we are about to experience. In the mean time, I need to get my affairs in order and figure out how to deal with whatever situation lies ahead: good or bad.

I write this in one of my lonely moments, just before I say a prayer and go to bed.


"Dear God,
This is my solemn prayer to You: guide me through these emotions, help me sort fear from confidence and let me blossom in Your Light so that I have the courage and strength to love so purely again; a pure, unconditional, innocent and genuine love that I can shower on him for he does not deserve to be punished for the sins committed by the last.
Amen"

Lock and Key

I don't know how to put it into words,
Its in the way God created the sky and the birds
A skillful Artist carving out his Masterpiece;

I feel the same anticipation in my knees
Its the kinda risk the sky makes to meet the lake
That is similar to the one I'm willing to take

The phrase 'I love you' can't sum it all up
For my feelings have long spilled over my Emotions Cup
I guess what I am trying to say:

You mean the world to me
And if my heart had a lock...
You now have the key

Case of The Bitter Ex.

My Dearest Readers,

It has been a while since I last wrote to you all, largely due to the fact that I was and still am away on vacation in the lovely Tanzania. Packing my suitcase for a two week adventure and saying goodbye to my loved ones was what I had in mind...little did I know what was in store for me. Not a week has gone by with out the ghastly Softspot sending me one obnoxious message after another, calling me pungent and the likes. I beg the world, answer me this:- am I truly the one bitter and in desperate need that we get back or is it he?
I’d like to present my case to you all, please judge and respond accordingly.

I’ll first call to the stand the endless messages that this boy-man will not stop sending me. Be it about a stupid photograph or in the name of his (suddenly close) relative who he feels he must vouch for my attention...this bugger will not let me be. Should I reply his insulting text messages, he will embark on taking me round and round on a trip that I shall not entertain anymore. Scolding me harshly, telling me to shut up and loose weight among other things have become is favorite basis for abuse. Advising me to take a second look in the mirror at my ‘ugly’ self...insisting that what he heard about my ‘money’ is not entirely true. If he had known earlier (I recently found out) then he wouldn’t have bothered, implying my amount in shillings or dollars or whatever currency he chooses to count in is purely not good enough for him.

Please Note: I haven’t complained to him about him not being able to give me anything for the whole seven or eight months that we had been together other than a shriveled up onion and a couple badly bruised tomatoes that surely could not have cost the cheap son-of-a-bitch more than 300/= (and to the rest of you, that’s less than $1) not to mention the whole idea of him having borrowed quite a sum of money from me before we even started dating...tsk tsk

I must say, dear Jury of the Court, he is not only rude, but seriously out of line to be coming at me from that angle of argument. Is it because he thinks he has a face of gold? I will not lie, it is cute at first glance but surly after a week of looking at that expressionless face with protruding dumb-sized ears; one does get tired of its features. So shall I conclude that this phoney-balony expects the fairer sex to pay for the rest of his life for what he holds as undying beauty? He doesn’t age for one, that I’ll hand it to him, but surely its not only demeaning, but largely embarrassing for a boy-man of 27 or 28 (he never is quite sure about his date of birth) who recently completed what was remaining of his pitiable education at a fairly dysfunctional university (at a fairly old age, might I add) under the roof of his parents; to be taken care of by a girl of 22, still in school, without a definite field of work and under her parents care. Its appalling, what is this world coming to?

Next, I’ll proceed onto bringing into the court for analysis the endless phone calls that all end with me hanging up on his gruff, commanding voice. I implore the audience, isn’t it that once a relationship is terminated, any kind of affiliation and superiority between the two that were once held are all completely destroyed once an agreement is met? I should think so, but it’s not like this for that sucker. Should he call me, he shall bark into the phone on the other line a rude question pondering whether I got his messages or not. No greeting, not salutation, nothing. A rude to-the-point question as though I should still know what it is of his I have, where it is and what his voice sounds like over the phone. I at times think he decides to take his fury out on me when he is pissed with alcohol or just plain bored. The world that has known me for quite some time all agrees that he has failed to ‘get over’ me as such, probably because now the little dim-wit has realized the diamond he once possessed in his power which he decided to thrown to the lions. I’m afraid, I am not that tolerant and I was built to withstand break ups. I do believe that it is he, who is having a problem letting it go, for it’s been almost a month and a week but the bugger will not let another day go by without uttering a word.

This all is very disturbing because I have indeed moved on and I’m currently in deep relations with another. I wouldn’t want to spoil something that has been soooo lovely to experience merely due to this old Ex and his failure to move on. I wonder, what is a girl to do in this situation? Surely his pre-mature boy-man mind must tell him that we have surpassed all stages of reconciliation? That abuse and threats shall not stop me from continuing my life, just as before.

Please Note: I haven not sent in troops to beat the poor old geezer into a coma, nor have I made his name soiled in town. I informed those dear to me and fled the country for fear of the twit actually making his last threat while I was on Ugandan soil true: that he should find me in a bar some night and haul a beer bottle to my head.

I would like to rest my case by pointing out the fact that (in his words) I am “the weak and pathetic one” who “desperately needed” the other night and day. Who could ever blame a girl for showing her man her unconditional love? It didn’t matter whether he pissed-drank himself into a drunken stooper of alcoholic arrogance, lay around the home all day
(smoking up a storm and reading my diaries) waiting on his housemaid of a girlfriend to come back in between classes to prepare his midday meal or simply comply to his sexual needs. See, the beauty of being young and naive?

I’ll tell you what being weak is: its not being able to even attempt to look after your very young, pretty and ambitious girlfriend who took you in full knowing that her family tree could outrun yours three times over with both their academic gene, natural born intelligence and wealth from just one generation.

As for being pathetic, being pathetic is: not knowing where you are headed to after university while full knowing that you haven’t passed your degree highly; quitting the only job that could have given you some back ground all in the name of other people being promoted apart from you (gee, I wonder why...duh! your academics sucked); and stringing on your girlfriend to believe you just aren’t trying hard enough to look for a job when in fact the point is you have no qualifications for a job in the competitive market...instead you rely on HER MOTHER getting you a job (the one you currently have, if you haven’t been fired already)

Desperately needing the other, that is: absolute bullshit! In reality I didn’t need another burden to carry when in fact I was already juggling school, two certificates, three jobs and a truck load of friends. I was a miracle waiting to happen to the bum:- an unending source of cash, a punching bag when the need arise, pleasuring tool, maid, advisor, mother, comforter and friend all wrapped up in one. I took over and fit into every aspect of that suckers life, without me he could have never accomplished all that he had set out to. So you decide, who is more desperate?

In a nutshell, I will not accept, and beseech the Jury to side with me, to be continuously treated as though that was my normal nature and that anybody can get away with ordering me around like a solider, being insulted like a black south African in the early 90’s by a white south African or simply being contacted like I want to have anything to do with him, and like nothing ever went wrong between us.

Jury of this court, I would like to sign out with this simple question: If it were you, what would you do?

Thank you all for your time. I rest my case.

Sincerely,

Naughty Nali

A Poem for Lovers

I woke up early this morning,
Neatly tucked in the embrace of my King.

With an arm draped across my sholders,
And my hair neatly done up in rollers

As I quietly listened to the soft purr of his snore,
The one that only time could make me adore

I tahnaked God for this blessing,
That was alying next to me resting.

The Beauty of a Crush...

See, a crush hits you like an unexpected fat wave of emotion, that's the best way I could attempt to describe it as.
One minute you think that there is nothing you'd want in your life more than to have things go back to the way they used to be, the next you're falling over you own shoes into cups and plates over a new face.
It's funny really, the way we human beings were made to be. Just when the world looks like all is lost...you just suddenly find yourself looking forward to somebody else's attention! And the best part of everything is you don't feel any ounce of guilt!!!
A sudden burst of happiness erupts in your tummy every time you get an email, text message or call...you can't seem to keep a straight face every time he says something- it doesn't have to be well thought out or planned, you don't care what you're doing; its just gatta include the two of you...

Her Royal Naughtiness...

It sure is hard trying to live up to perfection every single day, but then again its also a lot harder trying to live up to Somebody Else's standards everyday too! So the way I see it, either way...it sure is hard. Well, before I bore my reader with my own mind-twisting questions and complaints, I just thought it'd be neat if I threw a few of the Royal Naughtiness Trademark Not-So-Secret Secrets at you...

1. Get Drunk Fast: And hell, those who have seen me in action know for sure that unlike all them other lil gurlies in the bar, I'm probably going to have to drink a whole damn bottle to get high. But the whole point Here is not how much I drink, its the fact that I do get high and pretty damn fast. I'm not one for dilly-dally-ing and besides, its soo much more fun when you can't remember! Hahahaha.

2. Be Unpredictable: One minute Im a guys worst enemy, the next I'm the kind of girl you want to marry and the next, I'm holier than thou. Lol. One minute you see me, next you don't. One minute I know you, the next I don't. One minute I'm kind the next I'm not. You get the drill, don't you? Never let the world know what you're hand looks like, always have an Ace up your sleeve.

3. Don't Dwell: On anything for that matter. Never a poor grade, a fabulous grade, a lost friend, a gained one...a broken nail, a perfect manicure, a favourite song, a pet peeve...don't even dwell on things you know you should be dwelling on (like that horribly embarrassing night in Club you got sooo drunk you fell down a flight of stairs) , always look out for something new to throw your attention at. That way, you're always on top of things, on top of fashion, on top of perfume, hangouts, boyfriends, emotions hairstyles...name it. You've aced it already.

4. Multi-Task: There is nothing more signatory about a Royal Naughtiness Wanna-be than their ability to multi-task. C, all those in the Kingdom of the Naughty were blessed with being able to engage themselves in a deep conversation via MSN/Yahoo!/Google Chat (or all for that matter), council a loved one over the fone, finish a report due at Lunch, and find some extra seconds to scribble something down on her blog for the public to read, not mention proof-reading a document meant for her bosses appraisal that's needed right away!

5. Make It Look Easy: Only God knows how hard it is to be you, but the world doesn't have to know! Never pout, frown, whine or cry in front of the world; always wear a pleasant face and look like the world is nothing but a big party and the drinks are on the house!

I'm one for writing, but I've just noticed that I'm giving you real tips here! Initially I had started out with the plan to come up with something unconventional and funny, but it seems I'm getting pretty serious here. Well, there you have them, those five should work for you out there. Until next time!!!!!

Naughty Nali

A Whole New World!!!

It almost feels like I have been reborn under a whole entire new light. All that was depressing before has suddeny lifted and my spirit doenst feels so heavy anymore. Its moments like these that we as human beings must take avantage of to sit back, kick off our shoes, relax and exhale...Life is good...because the fact of the matter is it is good!

-Naughty-

Underwear!

Often not a topic talked about in the earshot of anywhere public, underwear seems to play a big role in almost every part of our day to day lives. Believe it or not, I’m telling you the absolute truth.

Take for instance, a girl (of any age). Ever noticed how there are just those days that she might just stroll into her office early/classroom/where ever one morning, a grin plastered on her face, a swing in her hips (that’s NOT natural) and a secret dancing in her eyes? No need to scratch your head anymore, it’s her underwear giving her that extra boost. So under whatever she seems to be wearing, her bum is probably snuggly laced in a silky French panty or let loose in a hot thong.

This goes for guys (of any age) too. It just never goes without notice the day your boss/teacher/boyfriend swaggers into meet you. The mistakably wide stance taken, extra bounce in his step and puffed out chest definitely mean that somebody’s got enough space around there for the package. And it gets worse, almost all the time they always feel invincible.

As for married couples (including the old ones) the mere choice of underwear can determine whether or not there will be a bout of hot passionate sex or warm cocoa and a good book later on. Might I add, this goes for both sexes. Much to my dismay, I’ve come across very many guys who think the sexy nice clean underwear is a determining factor only for their female partners…they never think about the things that run through our minds huh? While they enjoy the thought of peeling off a lacy whatever we are wearing, we too enjoy a fancy little wrapper on our packages too. It makes all the difference trust me.

This whole underwear issue even goes as far back as those icky toddler days we all conveniently forget once we get to the age of 10. Let me refresh your memory a bit. From nappies you were put into diapers. It was then your aim for the next couple of years to get out of those baggy heavy looking things in a Big Boy/Girl pair of panties so you could prove to the world that you had what it took to were grown up. I’m telling you, that is when the whole underwear thing truly started. Think about it.

R.I.P Philip 'Pip' Tendo

Dear Pip,

I cant believe your gone.

Seriously, I just saw you about two weeks ago and suddenly I get a call Sunday Morning and they can't find you anywhere! I'm in between shocked and denial, don't want to let my heart give up on you too fast, but I know it was always your wish that we live on, move on, go on like always.

It would be selfish of me to think that I'm the only one deeply hurt, your best friend, my best friend...the rest of the Kaaplae and Kataaza Crew is hurting too...but what about your siblings? I know they feel lost in all this, your young wife- your whole life that was going to fold ahead of you...its all come to an end. A sad and early end that's left the rest of us still here on earth unsatisfied and full of sorrow.

Pip, can you see us from where you are? Can you read our thoughts and understand how much we miss you? Its barely been 48 hours but our lives are all messed up. Search parties are out on the lake, everyone is aware. The news spread so fast.

I'm scared of funerals, you know that. I may not be able to muster up the courage to cry in front of all those people, but that don't mean that I'm not torn up inside...you were my brother- unlike the others we had a seriously special bond. I took your word for everything, and you took mine. We understood eachother, filled in for others and comforted ourselves in our own special way.

First you moved to South Africa and our connection was temporally lost. But you called me, kept in touch with me and always seemed to pop up at the right times. Your arrival home was the best thing I had heard in weeks. Just after a horrible relationship, having you in the country was really God sent.

I wish I hadn't begged you to come home. I wish I would have called you the day before and asked you not to go. I wish we had caught up. I wish, I wish, I wish. I wish this could be undone. I wish there was a way. A way to reverse all this.

Why Pip? Why now? Why soooo young?

Its not fair, you life was just opening up. But I have nobody to blame but fate. Fate did this. Its all her fault. But I know you're in a better place. I know you're watching over us. I know, I know, I know you never would have wanted me or anyone else to mope about.

I promise I'll carry on your name. I wont let this all disappear. I will always love you, you're family to me and I won't, I repeat I wont let you go in vain. I'll try my best to pitch in where I can, I want to meet your siblings and share their loss. I will take care of your wife, comfort her and be there always. I'll keep the Kaapale name going strong, despite the fact that you're gone- I wont let you spirit die.

I will wait for you in my dreams to talk to me. I will look forward to seeking out signs that you're around. I will always keep you in my prayers. I will continue to move forward. Won't be weak, I wont. I will stay strong, and help those who need it.

Above everything, I will miss you.

As we always used to say- nkwagala,

-Baby Kaapale-

The Remaindants of What was...

We all know the story goes:

Girl meets boy (or the other way around), they have sex (one way or the other), and break up once their full of each other’s extra stuff that they didn’t know existed before they got themselves in that rut. Girl usually cries and boy goes binge drinking with his friends…but sometimes they both go binge drinking- okay most times. That’s basically it.

Well, last night as I lay in my bed struggling to get a drop of sand from the almost empty sand bag the sleeping man held- I begun to think of the last seven months that I seemed to have been in hibernation for.

I’m not going to take you through the whole hallo-ballu of what really went down, that may be far to boring for the few of you, and really horrific for the majority. No, I won’t sing that song. Not today, not tomorrow- sorry Softspot, don’t think I have what it takes to give you that kind of reception.

Rather, I’d like today’s blog entry to be full of the things I learnt from hands on experience. Ready? Here we go….

Be selfish: because if you don’t care about yourself, it’s only a matter of time before he stops caring about you so you might as well keep that little vice by your side, least you loose him, yourself and all your friends in one go. Besides, I dont care what the world says...NOBODY and I mean NOBODY can care about you the way you can.

Don’t expect much: Softspot once told me that he doesn’t expect much from relationships (ALARM PLEASE) and maybe he had a point. I mean I spent all this time expecting just the basics out of the nigger and he couldn’t even make that bar!

Get what you want and Get Out: Guys do it, when we do it we are labeled sluts. Trust me, I would much rather go back to being labeled that than the perfect one and have all my feelings slapped back in my face in a matter of days with no where to turn to and part of me missing.

Money Is Evil: It makes guys feel inferior and girls feel like mothers. I’m only 22 for God’s sake, I dint sign up for a son older than me, a bunch of over due bills and pocket open to my ‘son’ and all his fantasy desires.

PLEASE NOTE: I called them fantasy desires and not needs because that’s what they were. Things he’s always dreamed of doing, of eating, of having but just couldn’t get- until I came along of course.

Never change yourself: Isn’t it funny how when a guy met you, he was instantly attracted to your snobbish manner, your elevated class, your vigorous partying habits? And then when they ‘wife’ you, it’s all out the door in a matter of seconds. No more mini skirts, exotic underwear (unless he permits it), partying out on end…none of that.

Its dishes, cooking, movies (you’re not even interested in), cleaning and endless chatting over the phone. Then, out of the blue it’s “you don’t look so attractive” to him anymore because he’s lost interest in your wifey manner. He wants, sassy, sexy, hot, and unpredictable. Not the usual fights you have, the everyday responsibility or having to check up on you. He wants the challenge- and you’re not it anymore.

Lie a little: Its not like you’ll get caught and he’s probably lying to you anyhow, even though he claims that honesty is the major foundation of this relationship you’re in.

Always have an ‘I’ in the relationship: Giving it all up to fast and making everything ‘we’ is totally not the way to go. Our allowance (which is actually yours), our room (in your hostel), our preferences (that are usually he-dominated) just give him a better chance at governing your life and you at forgetting and loosing yourself in his. That’s never been good. Because when its all over, he walks off with himself in tact, no sob, no sigh, no reminiscence of you or the things you used to do (because you did what he liked) and you get loaded with it.

Don’t Stop Fishing: There are really so many fish out there in the see, and when your hook is well baited and you have soo many kinds of fish fighting for that one piece of bait, be sure to sprinkle enough appetizer around for all. Just to keep them around the pool you’re in until you feel ready to catch another one.

Don’t be gullible: It only translates into stupidity anyways. Let your mind run free, doesn’t matter how insane an idea might sound like, have it at the back of your mind so when it becomes a reality, you’re not wishing you had listened to your gut feeling in the beginning.

Lastly, be kind: At the end of the day, it’s his loss not yours. You will go on to find people who deserve your time and he will continue to walk through the world another piece of worthless scum. And at night when you feel bad because you believe you wasted all that time on a good for nothing twit, have comfort in knowing that he actually does miss your specialty, fried spaghetti; and that he wishes you could invite him over once more to spoil him some more, bail him out of a fix, listen to him rant and rave, and most of all- exist as living proof that to you he was the greatest.

So with those words of...words of what are they? Whatever they are anyways, swallow as much as you can and refer to this page whenever you're in need of some consolidation. It cant be that bad after all.

From the Royal Queen of Naughtiness herself,

Nali...ehem...NOT Nailey

Dear Friends,

Its been a while, seven months in fact. I've thrown out my big crowd, settled in for a lesser one and kept to myself all this while even when you were all desperately tying to reach out to me. I'm sorry.
I dint know how I ever could have thought that being in a relationship...a 'serious' relations...made people change the way I did. I thought I was doing it for the better, I obviously was doing it for the worse.
I hurt a lot of the people who made me who I am today, I dint listen to their words of caution and ended up spending most of those seven months crying in the privacy of my bedroom. I dint have anybody to tun to. And when he started treating me like shit, I sincerely felt this was what I deserved for not holding on to my friendships a little tighter.
I know, obviously, I wont get them all back...the friendships I cherish sooo deeply, but I beg you all to reconsider. I was merely side-tracked, a lesson well learnt but I had to go through this. Its honestly made me a better person as a whole...given me time to slow down and seriously think about what I want in life.
One thing is for sure. I want my friends back, and I wouldn't go through with all of this again- even if he was the last dick standing on earth.

Penny For My Thoughts...

I dont understand why you feel its in your every right to sit back and shower me with meaningless abuses and low-life threats when infact the truth of the matter is we have never been that close.

I need you to understand that your methods of maintaining associates is quite desturbing.

I have put up with your nuisnense for six good years, and I am afraid to say, this is the point where I crack. I cannot take your pestering anymore.

I ask that you take a moment and read through this...you know who you are, the instances I give will jerk your memory just incase you're expreinceing momentary denial.

I dont understand why you want to live my life.

'Life is what you make it' thats how the saying goes, so why try and take mine? Im all-in trying to understand why you always want to seize what is mine. My sense of dress has become your obssession and my relations your ardor. The list is endless!

I would have been able to deal with you a little longer had it not been for your familiarity with my those I hold dear.

What is your point here? What position are you trying to establish? Your consistent stopovers at my domicile have long expired and you're still pushing the date, but you still dont get it. I am being forced to give it to you in plain simple English: I dont like your companionship.

Whereas friends build one another, our aquaintence has been one-sided from where I stand. I have failed to pick up a decent habit, learn a new trick or even single out an excellent piece of advice from you.

Instead I am in between defending myself from the words you spread around about me and desperately trying to find a good reason why we infact still are in touch. I have hurd it numerous times that we should just end all form of communication. But you know which strings to pull. You know how to make me feel sorry for you, feel like if I leave you, you'll disappear from the face of the Earth.

I think its time to let you drop, my dear. And this time I will not be looking back.

I honestly feel that I gave our friendship a fair shot. I just cannot put up with your selfish and oppressive ways anymore. I look forward to continuing my life without you in it, my only request is that this time you stay in the past, where I should have left you so many years, long ago.

This is it.